What is the function of the mighty Platypus? If we were to be part of some kind of cosmically aware sentient Google Earth and we zoomed out and looked down on creation, could we see what part the odd Platypus plays in the theatrical production that is life? No, probably not. The same could be said about the twice as mysterious Teenage girl. What are they thinking? What do they want? When will they stop talking? WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?!!!! The joy of parenthood.
My wife, Mercy and I began raising my sister Michelea when she was just 10 years old…It seemed so much easier then. Once she was acclimated to a lifestyle that didn’t include the continuous consumption of pixie sticks she stopped fidgeting enough to fall in love with reading and playing outside and just being a kid. She would just run around fighting imaginary zombies until it was time for dinner….then we would read the Witches. While only six years ago, those days of imaginary ghouls and Roald Dahl seem so long ago. Fictitious zombies faded away to make room for real life ghouls like the disgusting Black Veil Brides.
Seriously, have you seen these jokers? It is as if they worshiped at the altar of Aqua net and Motley Crue. If you thought Motley Crue was a lousy band, you haven’t heard anything until you’ve listened to this collection of groaning imbeciles. Michelea: “Oh can I please see the Black Veil brides….please? It would be so Amazing!” Me: “I’d rather have a tarantula bite my left eye while a howler monkey beats me in the head with a ratchet.”
Whimsical and creative fiction from the minds of Maurice Sendak, Mark Twain and Shel Silverstein became cookie cutter drivel like Twilight and the Hunger Games. I will concede that the Hunger Games is actually written well but the concept is just like any ordinary summer blockbuster. You all know Twilight and if you’re not a girl ages 12-16 you know that it is just plain silly and sometimes downright insulting to the female gender. “I don’t care if he’s an unholy creature of the night and he wants to suck my blood and he’s kind of a diva and a jerk….I love him!” Now if that doesn’t sound like someone struggling with battered wife/girlfriend syndrome, I don’t know what does. “Hey girls, it’s okay to like a guy who treats you like crap as long as he has magical powers! WHEEEEEEEEE!” Luckily Michelea is over that trend. Okay actually when her grades were slumping I threw every last one of her vampire books away. I would like to think that somewhere there was a garbage man that was about to throw the books in the trash compactor when his fellow burly garbage man stopped him and said: “Are you insane Carl? That’s Marked, the first volume in the House of Night series! I love to read about the struggles of young Zoey Redbird and the world of vampires!”
Of course these are all just phases in the mad world of teenage-girldom. One phase that seems to last FOREVER is that all teenage girls know better than you. According to a council of teenage girls, the teenage girl brain is like that of Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein and Robert Oppenheimer all rolled into one. This of course is a biased conclusion. One such memorable teenage brain moment came when Michelea was insistent on telling me that the Getty Villa was in Miami. Miami, California. I corrected her as nicely and as diplomatically as I could. “Don’t be a moron, Miami is not in California!” To this she replied: “You don’t understand! It’s in Miami, California.” So I showed her a map and she was quiet for about two hours. That was the plus side. However, teenage girls don’t stay quiet for long and they tend to share their opinions with everyone in ear shot, as Mercy can tell you.
Mercy and Michelea were arguing over a word in a book….ugh, I believe it was in Twilight. Michelea swore up and down that there was a word pronounced “Chow-es”. Since my wife has lived longer than a teenager and you know, can read and stuff she disagreed. To which Michelea responded: “You just don’t understand! This is a word you probably know nothing about! It’s Chow-es, It’s Chow-es!” Teens see themselves as world weary pioneers and think that they have discovered everything for the first time and we as adults are just some kind of dim witted country bumpkins. So, the common battle cry for the ego wounded teen girl is “You don’t understand!” Of course in this instance I was the official, reluctant and scared referee. The word was Chaos. Chow-es is not a word, sorry to disappoint you. And yes Michelea, we do understand Chaos, it’s called having a teenager.